I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
