when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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