I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
barbara walters just said penis...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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