Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
