While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
