census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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