god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
