Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
