my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You were trust falling into bushes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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