I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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