please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
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So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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