I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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