what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
