I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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