You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
