I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
