that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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