I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
