how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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