I have demons in me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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