Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
