I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
