he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize