Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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