The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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