the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
