I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
