The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
