I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
