Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
