remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
