I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
