The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
