I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
