She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
