Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
