Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize