I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
