I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
