Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
