so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
