Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The power of my boobs compel you
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
