3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
