please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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