I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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