Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
