I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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