I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
