And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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