dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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