I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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