my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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