Kiss
Puke
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
