I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
