tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
