He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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